I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
