I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
