roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
