when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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