I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
