i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
