I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
