My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
