Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
