My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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