she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
