you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
