Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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