My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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