your thong is hanging out like whoa
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize