Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize