I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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