Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
