I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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