Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
