is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
