Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
