and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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