The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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