I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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