she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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