ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
