Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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