I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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