the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
