i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
