i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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