I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
