You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
