i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
