she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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