grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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