I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
