I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
