Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
