We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
