I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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