last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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