just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
