My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
