I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
