She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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