So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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