im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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