I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
