Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
