worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
