how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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