He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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