and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
