And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Randomize
