You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize