i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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