It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
