if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize